Get Skillful at Pausing—Instead of Beating Yourself Up

Addiction comes in many forms, and some are normalized within our culture, even glamorized through inescapable pings in our inboxes or on our phones. 

Whether we’re scrolling mindlessly, binge-watching TV shows, or struggling with drugs or alcohol, our addictive behaviors tend to only add to our stress. I refer to this paradox as the law of avoidance: in our attempts to get a break from stress, problems, and worries about the past or the future, our numbing behaviors backfire.

We seek refuge in numbing, addictive behaviors to avoid painful emotions, desperate to slow down a world coming at us without a stop button, our brains trying to help us regulate in the face of overwhelm. 

It doesn’t really cut it, does it? We often feel much worse, instead blaming ourselves, which doesn’t help either. 

So how do we find our way out? 

What if instead of beating ourselves up for not being able to “deal,” we were able to pause, get curious, and find compassion for ourselves? What if we understood that our behaviors were actually a knock on the door inviting our attention and awareness?

What a difference this could make! But—it would require us to pause. The pause is a beautiful moment between having a thought to do something and actually doing it. 

First, you have to pause.

And try this 5-step approach:

1. Thank your beautiful brain for doing what it’s supposed to do: help you survive.

2. Remind it you’re not on fire. Most likely, you are fine at this moment.

3. Regulate yourself. Breathe. Bring it down. 

4. Ask these questions:
   What was I thinking about before I had the urge to smoke? To drink? To scroll?
   What am I feeling?
   What sensations am I experiencing in my body?

5. Notice the change. Hold steady, and note that the stress ebbs between the stimulus and the response. A little light comes in. You’re…okay. 

Be intentional.

Change is hard. Our bodies sometimes crave unhealthy, unhelpful things. But now you have a 5-step approach to calm unhealthy impulses. Now that you understand the cycle of craving and release, you can adjust your environment to make the healthy choice easier. 

Make it more challenging to access the object of your craving. Hide the cigarettes and alcohol, and eventually remove them entirely. Put a rubber band around your phone to remind yourself that calling a friend might be healthier than endlessly scrolling. 

The goal is to view an urge to engage in unhelpful behaviors as a knock on the door announcing that it’s time for a pause and greater awareness. There is something you need to take care of, tend to, and acknowledge. 

Be gentle with yourself as you embrace these reminders. Your brain is working the way it is supposed to, and you can support it.